Embracing the crazy.

In my last post I mentioned my lovely mental health issues and I thought I’d talk a little more about it. I have struggled with depression for a long long time and sometimes in my last blog I would share how I was feeling, but I wasn’t always very good at communicating my journey and unfortunately upset some people. So here goes – hopefully this time I’ll be at least a little better! (Sorry its a bit long!)

I think I actually started in my journey when I had my first child, but I didn’t know anything about it, just that the midwife asked me what I thought were silly questions – like ‘do you have any thoughts about harming yourself or your child’. Of course I didn’t. So I answered all the questions with the ‘right’ answers and wasn’t seen again.

Fast forward to 6 months into my second pregnancy. I was struggling. I really couldn’t cope with the easiest of tasks and I was a crying blubbering mess most of the time. I remember several horrible periods of time when I didn’t feel like I was going to make it to the end of the day never mind the week. So off I went to the mid-wife to ask for a bit of help.

‘Maybe it’s just your hormones. Let’s hope it goes away when the baby’s born.’

That was it. That’s all I got.

I know that it was a long time ago (he’s now 14) but seriously? I honestly thought it was all in my head and that because my hormones were all over the place I just had to see the time through and it would all be ok. It was at this time that I was reminded that my life belonged to God and that He had plans for me. That checking out of this situation was not an option. And hallelujah for that!

When son number two was born I was ecstatic. It was the start of the summer and I was delighted with everyone coming to visit, the lovely weather and enjoying life with two wee ones.

But then September hit and my friends were back at school/work and things really quietened down. I remember going to church one day and totally freaking out. I mean totally! I couldn’t even stand to be in the building with people that loved me and cared for me. I had to get out and I had to do it now.

Unfortunately, that was the start of my problems with being in large groups of people like church, and it has never gotten any easier. The people in my church are amazing. They are so loving and caring, but I felt so uncomfortable thinking they were going to talk to me or ask how I was, that I’d panic. I even found myself hiding in the grocery store so I didn’t have to talk to people. Don’t get me wrong – I loved having visitors, and as long as I knew in advance that you were coming, I was grand. Call unannounced and that was a different story.

So I went to the doctor and was prescribed anti-depressants. And they worked! Happy days – I was feeling better, more in control of my every day life and much happier. It didn’t really have any effect on my church going, but one step at a time. I was on these tablets for 2 years before slowly coming off them so I could have another baby.

When pregnancy number 3 I had so many people praying for me and my post-natal depression, that I experienced NONE of the symptoms at all. Not one day of depression. It was a miracle, but I also (looking back) don’t remember anything about that time in my life. Strange but true.

And so we move to pregnancy number 4 and my last baby. He was born only 21 months after number 3, so I was still flying high with the ‘no depression’ story. I got to about 6 months in and it hit with the force of a tornado. I was fine one day and the next day I couldn’t move or function or stop crying. Nothing worked and nothing was ok. It was horrific. I was shouting my head off at the three boys and hubby 24 hours a day and when I wasn’t, I was curled in a ball crying my eyes out.

So back to the doctor. He obviously was much more helpful this time given my history, but he was reluctant to put me back on my medication because I was pregnant. I remember him asking me the question ‘Are you sure you can’t do the next three months without it and I’ll have it waiting after the delivery? Can you not survive three months?’ My answer was a resounding no. I was sure I was going to do serious mental (not physical) damage to my kids and myself if I had to go through that. So I was put back on medication and things got marginally better. Better enough to cope.

So that’s my story – I have tried to come off my medication various times since number 4 was born (he’s 10 now) but alas it has not been worth it and I’ve ended up back on it. Recently at a doctor’s appointment they asked when it stopped being ‘post-natal depression’ and was just ordinary ‘depression’… that was a hard one for me. But its true. He’s 10 now. Well past baby stage.

So, I have good old fashioned depression now.

Depression can affect people in lots of different ways. For me, it affects my ability to focus on things and prioritise. I tend to focus on one thing at a time – and usually not the right thing. When I’m feeling low I tend to have quite addictive behaviour – like playing word games over and over, colouring in pages upon pages in my book, doing incredibly stupid things over and over again. But I can’t stop. They keep me sane.

And then I have my prioritising. Usually, I was doing my life properly, I’d want my focus to be God, my husband, my children, my house, my family and friends, my work… But at the moment I’m overly focused on my maths degree and my job as a CA in school, putting way too much time and effort into both. Not good.

But I am a work in progress and I know that God has me safe in His right hand. He can see my whole picture – I just see the tapestry threads that look like they are going nowhere and doing nothing but making a mess. He knows my future and has my life all planned. I know I just need to keep close to Him and He will see me through this. Just like He has every single second above.

So that’s it – my name is Tanya and I have depression. But it doesn’t define me and it doesn’t control me any more. God is my strength and my shield. He is literally there every second of every day and I know that He will always be.