This is a kinda serious long thought for today - sorry! But it is important.
This week is mental health awareness week so I thought I’d share a bit of my story with you.
When I heard that Robin Williams had taken his own life after battling depression, I was really floored. Even though I'm an emotional person (understatement of the year!) I don't usually make a habit of crying over people I've never met. But that broke my heart.
I cried for his family, for his fans and mostly for the horrible illness that overwhelmed him and made him do something so drastic.
The only other time this happened was earlier this year when Caroline Flack died. I cried so much. She was someone I’d seen on TV a lot and even though there was lots of details coming out about her life, I couldn’t get past the sadness of another life lost.
Depression. It's a horrible illness. And one that really can hit anyone at anytime.
The depression I have suffered from (and still do) started as post-natal depression. I got it when I was pregnant with the second and fourth of my four pregnancies and it was awful.
It hit me firstly in the form of panic attacks - not wanting to go anywhere where I knew a lot of people who would be asking me how I was. This meant I couldn't even walk into church without hyperventilating and completely panicking.
It was horrible. It was a dark time. I couldn't go out, I couldn't have anyone come to visit me and I couldn't enjoy my life.
The one big blessing was that it has effected my relationship with my kids. Never. And from talking to other mums with PND who couldn't even lift their baby, I am so thankful to God for that.
The first time this hit me was really dark - really dark. I can't even explain in words how dark. Suffocating panic. Inability to do anything. I couldn't focus, couldn't be productive, and couldn't get myself out of this hole.
And it is just like being stuck in a hole. You can see a light where you should be able climb out but you can't even motivate yourself to try. It's a suffocating place - you really can feel as if the walls are closing in and as if life is no longer under your control.
Yet through it all God was with me - the whole time - for the whole journey. There are bad bad bits that are too personal to share but I know that God have me specific verses at specific times and I couldn't have gotten through it without him. I don't think I would be here today or be able to even talk about this if it hadn't been for His voice leading me in the midst of the darkness. Really. Read this paragraph again and I hope you will really 'get' how much I've had to rely on God. I can't thank Him enough.
And even though I've come through the worst of it, there are some lasting consequences. I will be on medication probably for the rest of my life. But I thank and praise God that I know I don't have to do it alone. He gives me hope and the comfort of knowing He is always there beside me.
Please - if you feel down AT ALL - whether it's just a bad day or something that's bugging you - you NEED to talk to someone. It's unbelievable how many people we see every day that are going through horrible times but just don't tell anyone. We need to be more honest with each other and actually listen to each other when we talk.
Call me. Seriously.
(And you all know I hate talking on the phone so if I’m saying call me you know I’m serious about helping!)
Disclaimer: I’m good at the moment - surprisingly considering the situation. So I didn’t write this as a ‘poor me’ or a ‘help me’ - I just want to help anyone who thinks they are alone in this. You aren’t!
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